Am I the only person in the world who, while thinking about this ride, pictures Dr. Evil saying, "The LA-SER," while making scare quotes with his hands? Its a fitting mental image, as this ride, like Dr. Evil and life itself, is nasty, brutish, and short. Some years ago, I made a ridiculous pact with myself to ride all roller coasters with my hands in the air. This and the Cyclone are the only two rides that have since caused me to break that pact. The first drop on the Laser is one of the most under-appreciated in coasterdom. After the laborious ascent up the lift hill, which Im convinced is an intentionally-disarming psychological ploy, you are suddenly ripped off the apex and hurled into the dizzying one-two punch of those terribly beautiful Schwarzkopf loops. Then, before you can even begin to catch your breath, you repeat virtually the same maneuver, only this time horizontally, instead of vertically. The best Schwarzopf compositions have an almost Wagnerian quality in their ability to combine brutality and virtuosity. No matter how you feel about them, you cant deny their power.
The point is well-taken that after all these years, Dorney might consider taking the Laser off those stacked wooden blocks and sinking it into some cement. But Schwarzkopf is the master of the portable roller coaster, an art form unto itself, and this is one of the highwater marks of the medium. I think its perpetual jury-rigged installation is only fitting, a nod to the particular genius of designing wholly self-contained mechanisms of terror that not incidentally can be disassembled and loaded onto a couple of flat-bed trucks in a matter of hours. Minimalist restraints are another Schwarzkopf trademark employed to excellent effect on the Laser. Few but the Maestro had the courage to disencumber his riders through a 360 degree element, but his example only proves how superfluous all those over-the-shoulder restraints really are. This is, in the scheme of things, a ride of modest proportions. Yet few will find themselves ready for more by the end. In terms of packing serious thrills into a small package, the creations of Anton Schwarzkopf take the prize...hands down.
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